Yes, Linkedin, GitHub, and Indeed make it easier to find and apply for jobs.  But after your first, second, third job out of college – it’s all about relationships. Even with record unemployment, recruiters still find it difficult to find the “right” people. Sometimes, the job description looks like a perfect fit and then you are surprised that the higher-sounding title actually pays 20% less than your current job. Work is tribal. Life is tribal. People buy from people. People ask for referrals. People look for social proof. People are suspicious of people they don’t know. Yes, yes, yes . . .

“Networking” is often spoken of with a hint of derision. It’s like eating vegetables, something that we know is good for us professionally, but something that might be a bit distasteful or unfun. That’s a bit of a shame because – just like vegetables – it doesn’t have to be that way; trust me, you’ll grow to love it.

Humans are tribal

Networking is just a business-y way of saying something we’ve all been biologically hard-wired to do since caveman days. We seek community and a sense of belonging; not just for survival, but also for comfort. (Think: Yuval Noah Harari’s Sapiens, affiliate link). After all, who doesn’t want to belong to a community of generous people who help each other during difficult times? Having lots of people rooting for your success = winning.

Fast forward 300,000 years and the same holds true in corporate life.

You probably don’t need convincing, but trust me, there is plenty of research – entire books written – which argue that a strong professional network gives you privileged information, access, feedback, and support in your career. It’s also common sense that being surrounded by an active group of smart, ambitious, experienced, generous, fun people is a good thing. Frankly, it’s a lonely world out there, who doesn’t want to create a tribe of win-win relationships?  As Jim Rohn famously said, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

Maybe we’re bad at this thing called “community”

So here comes the irony. While we are biologically wired to belong in a community of win-win relationships, our nomadic lifestyles and digital behaviors often send us in the other direction:

• Zero-gravity life: we move from job-to-job, from employer-to-employer, from city-to-city
• Diverse interests: there are 138,000 subreddits (enough said)
• Low switching costs: seems like acquaintances, friends (heck, even family) change regularly; swipe left
• Social media: watch Social Dilemma on Netflix, you’ll come away convinced that social media is uniquely “anti-social”
• Covid-19: ddang, talk about the ultimate distancer

Put another way, it’s easier than ever to be anonymous, and unconnected. Robert Putnam famously described this creeping zeitgeist of loneliness in 2001 with Bowling Alone (affiliate link); this was years before Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube became a siren call. Living a life of Digital Minimalism (affiliate link) requires diligence and practice.

Is networking necessary?

For me, networking = people helping people. So rewriting the question: “Is helping other people necessary?” Yes, of course:

• If you’re in professional services (hint: we all are), your success depends on others
• In order to create massive value (read: money), you need to solve novel problems
• Craftsmanship requires continuous feedback from paying customers
• Career pivots probably need serendipity as much as they need a strategic plan
• Relational equity takes time; trust build over time

1. Introduction and relevance

This is where networking gets a bad rap. Too often we associate it with blind introductions to strangers, or even worse, awkwardly feigning interest in something you actually don’t care about. Being fake. Job fairs, business cards, and the like. Grr, that all sounds awful.

This is probably not a surprise since we’ve all experienced the last-minute requests from (sort-of) strangers. Without some context, the phone calls, emails, coffee chats can come off as uninformed, transactional, or worse, calculated. So how can we start off on the right foot? How can we jump start a conversation, relationship when everyone is busy and the default setting will be “who are you and what do you want?”

• Be relevant, not random. Provide some context, purpose for reaching out. Get a referral. Make it worth their time.
• Make it easy to say yes: Reduce the cost to them (flexible time, no preparation, low/no request)
• Make it okay to say no: Let them save face. Give them an easy out because no one wants to be made to feel like a jerk.

1a. Yes, this takes effort

Trust me, the default setting for most people is keep doing what they are doing. No one is eager to get to know a stranger. No, they aren’t misanthropes (GMAT word); it’s just not urgent, not on today’s dopamine to-do-list. They don’t know you. They don’t know how you might help them.

So, yes, this takes some effort. Just add 20% more curiosity and energy and you might find it less scary, and just a bit of fun. For b-school students, we urge them to get comfortable doing informational interviews. Low-stress, short conversations with people who you’d like to learn from. It turns out that people are often willing to spare 20 minutes to curious, respectful, and ambitious people. Note: old people like to talk.

1b. Network with anyone, everyone?

With all these apparent benefits, isn’t the knee jerk reaction to start reaching out to everyone?

Yes, stay open: Of course, we should stay open minded. After all, we are notoriously bad on knowing ourselves and planning our futures. Any savvy consultant will tell you that the organizational chart is not a GPS guide for good people. There are lots of influential and generous people throughout the organization who don’t have VP or “chief” in their title.

Yes, diversity helps: Lots of research show that heterogenous networks (read: people who run in different circles) have more potential value because they are both broader and less duplicative. Knowing your 50th database administrator < knowing your 1st B2B marketer. Translation?  Branch out to other departments, business units, suppliers, and distributors.

Yes, some weak ties are okay: Every connection doesn’t have to be an exhausting BFF relationship. Weak ties matter too.

No, watch your time: Time is precious; it’s something you cannot readily buy.

No, fewer and high-quality connections are better: When studying network effects, it’s not just the size of the network that matters. It’s the usage. How many strong ties do you have? What % of your network would carve out 30minutes of time for a ZOOM call with you in the next 3 days?

1c. Yes, be yourself

In the end, networking is about you. What kind of community are you looking to create and nurture? Where are you professionally headed? What is you strategic positioning?  How can you add value, help other people? Some questions to spark your thinking:

• Who do you respect?
• Who do you want to learn from?
• Who can you help?
• Who can help you?
• Who do you want to be around?

Of course this conversation can easily turn selfish, or even Machiavellian. Achtung: Once we start to seeing people as some ladder to climb (think: House of Cards), or souvenirs to collect, we’ve become a tool. A robot. A bore. A sycophant that no one wants in their community.

2. Generosity and time

This takes time. You don’t develop a robust, high-powered network overnight. It reminds me of that quote (Chinese adage?). When is the best time to plant a tree?  Answer: 20 years ago.  This analogy of tree planting applies to relationships too; relationships take time. The executive recruiter corollary: “When is the best time to look for your next job? Answer: When you have the old job.” Dorie Clark wrote a HBR article which speaks for itself, “It’s Not a Job Search, It’s a Permanent Campaign.”

Even from caveman days, we’ve wired for reciprocity. You help me, I’d like to help you. So it’s a bit odd, opportunistic, (dare I say, vulgar) to ask for help before you’ve helped them. If you’re asking favors of people who a) don’t know you b) don’t know you well c) don’t have a favorable impression of you – then you’re probably doing this “networking thing” wrong.  You’re a relationship spammer.

2a. New hire: “How can I be generous?”

A new hire might ask: “How can I be generous when I’m the one with the least industry experience and connections?” Solid question. The right question. Shows a generous attitude, focused on other people, not yourself. Namely, “What’s in it for them?” The short answer is, a lot.

• Do great work; become the reliable one they call on (Seth Godin calls “linchpin”)
• Take the burden of adminis-trivia off the hands of managers (e.g., meeting minutes)
• Work on business development, sales pitches, and statements of work
• Solve problems with your multimedia, social media, and coding skills
• Listen and ask great questions; add to the conversation

2b. Experienced: “How can I be generous?”

For those of us who remember Saturday morning cartoons (read: old), time for us to be more generous. It might sound like this:

• When did you join the company? Let me know if I can help with anything.
• What kind of things are you interested in? What are you good at?
• Oh, I know someone who works there, let me ask her about that job posting.

2c. Kenny Rogers, “You can’t make old friends.”

Isn’t this the truth? When I reflect on my network of “strong ties” and friends, they’ve helped me get jobs, get promoted, escape career dips, encourage me to pursue teaching, helped me experiment (and fail), jack up my self-confidence, tell me to quit my job, made it fun. Fascinatingly, with time I find that my weak ties become strong ties; we find ways to work together, learn from each other, and enjoy. All blessings.

3. “How useful am I to this tribe?”

This is a challenging question that I ask myself professionally a lot. What kind of value, curiosity, energy, feedback, insight, fun can I offer people I want to tribe with? Believe it’s good motivation to improve my craft, be more generous, and keep a beginner’s mind.

What’s your point of view on networking?